Usually I try to remain upbeat and positive on here.... Usually I make everything into the best that I can so that others can get something from it. I can't really get my head up or get my feet on the ground so I am just going to lay it out the best I can.
Right now, people have judged by the past or what has happened in that past. Because of that past, I can't escape from it nor can I even begin to move on. I love my husband so much, but those what ifs plague me! I have these feelings of fear, depression and I just don't care about anything right now. I feel like it will never end and things will just never be okay again. I know I shouldn't live in fear and I know I shouldn't give IN to fear but lately, I just cannot help doing just that. Things I normally love I just feel NOTHING. I am just sick of everything in life right now.
I just don't even know HOW to describe this.... I usually am just great with my words, but I don't really know how to anymore. I find myself not using them and just wanting to ignore life and ignore the situations and hoping they go away. I prefer for someone else handling everything anymore.
So here is my question for you.... what if your worst mistakes were going to be made public? How would you handle it? Would you tell the absolute truth? Yes.... one of my worst fears in coming true...
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
BLESSINGS
Over the last year, I have struggled tremendously with finding the good in my life and finding positive things that I could focus on instead of all of the negative. Has anyone had this "God moment" where you just realized like a lightening bolt that you haven't been seeing what is right in front of you? I had this happen and things flashed before my eyes, some even little things, that I just had not realized or thought of as blessings. I have taken so many things for granted that I should NEVER take for granted. Despite all of the challenges in life right now, I am truly blessed. Let me share some of those blessings with you.... .
I have some WONDERFUL friends who have stood beside me every single step of the way. Even more than that, they have taken proactive steps into helping and they have helped me to keep believing in trust. I am so thankful for my best friend Raechel and her family who have helped me to keep my mind off of it all, work through things and get my kids where they belong. I am also tremendously thankful for Pattie who took the step to help us no matter what the consequences could be. Deb has been there every step of the way for me when I need to talk or when we needed to raise money. Jen has helped keep me positive and gave me advice. We have leaned on one another even in times that seemed unbearable. Those have helped me keep the trust that so often I feel like losing and shutting down.
I have a wonderful husband. Yes, we have our share of problems and honestly, what marriage doesn't. However, we have been through problems and situations most couples NEVER go through..... and we are still married 8 1/2 years later. Trey helps me keep up with my medicines and reminds me to take them especially when I am only half awake. Trey helps keep my mind off of things by getting movies weekly at the library and taking me there to get books to read for when he is at work. He has been at EVERY court hearing and has held my hand and truly been my support through it all. There are times we argue, but now, we quickly make up. Ideal marriages are for fairy tales. Our marriage is a REAL marriage and one that God has blessed me with. Our marriage is continuing to grow and we are continuing to grow closer. I am blessed that Trey loves me this much and has been there every step of the way. He believes in me even when I do not believe in myself. When he doesn't have the words, he shows me how music can do the talking. He even attempted to teach me how to play Poker! Please note I said ATTEMPTED! hahaha
One of my BIGGEST blessings in life is my children. They are just amazing! I look at them at how they have grown from babies to who they are now. I am so blessed that all 3 of them love church so much and they love to sing about Jesus. Now let me get a bit more specific...
Aidan who is 7 1/2 years old is in 1st grade this year. He is finishing the year with ALL A's and 1 B(Math) for the entire year! He is finishing the year with only having to pull a ticket to yellow TWICE in the entire year. He is finishing the year reading on a 2nd grade level of a 2nd grader who has finished 5 months of 2nd grade. I am so blessed to have him. He pushes me to be a better person and is forever asking me questions. I am blessed to have a kid who loves learning this much and sees spending time with me as the best thing in his life. Aidan, along with 2 other boys in his class, was chosen in his 1st grade class to participate in the 1st grade Spelling Bee. There were 21 participants. Aidan WON 3RD PLACE!!!! (my child got some GOOD genes from us for a change haha) I am SOOOO proud of him... and blessed to have him!
My daughter Lillian will be 6 in August and starting kindergarten around her 6th birthday. I am so blessed to have her! Some things I am blessed and thankful for this year with her: she has learned to ride a bike with training wheels. She can count to 10 most of the time. She knows all but 3 of her shapes. She KNOWS HER COLORS!!!! (we worked for years on this) She blesses me every time that she sees me. She sits on my lap and gives me a kiss. She hugs me and I can always hear her voice saying "Mommy?" and then proceeding to tell me something that she wants me to know. She is playing TEEBALL this year and I am proud of her hitting the ball! She is such a blessing!
My son JohnAlex is 4 1/2 years old. (he turns 5 in Oct) This year he will start preschool at the same school with Aidan and Lillian. This year he has learned to count to 10, learned his shapes, can write his name, can hop on 1 foot and LOVES to play Track and Field on XBox 360. He is forever going like an Energizer bunny and just LOVES sports!!! He can really hit the ball at teeball and he has been catching the ball too!!! I am really blessed to have him in my life!
Sometimes, we do not realize the blessings that we have... until we do not have them. I am blessed to have a home to live in that is nice and that has heat and air. I am blessed to have a car for transportation. I am blessed to have the Internet that I can write this on and a computer. I am blessed to have a cellphone as means of communication. I am blessed to have a pillow and bed where I can lay my head at night. I am blessed to have running water. I am blessed that I can walk. There are so many more blessings than I can even think of right now! I have too long forgotten that I have blessings in my life instead of just the negative. So on those days I am down, I can read this and realize how much I DO have!
I have some WONDERFUL friends who have stood beside me every single step of the way. Even more than that, they have taken proactive steps into helping and they have helped me to keep believing in trust. I am so thankful for my best friend Raechel and her family who have helped me to keep my mind off of it all, work through things and get my kids where they belong. I am also tremendously thankful for Pattie who took the step to help us no matter what the consequences could be. Deb has been there every step of the way for me when I need to talk or when we needed to raise money. Jen has helped keep me positive and gave me advice. We have leaned on one another even in times that seemed unbearable. Those have helped me keep the trust that so often I feel like losing and shutting down.
I have a wonderful husband. Yes, we have our share of problems and honestly, what marriage doesn't. However, we have been through problems and situations most couples NEVER go through..... and we are still married 8 1/2 years later. Trey helps me keep up with my medicines and reminds me to take them especially when I am only half awake. Trey helps keep my mind off of things by getting movies weekly at the library and taking me there to get books to read for when he is at work. He has been at EVERY court hearing and has held my hand and truly been my support through it all. There are times we argue, but now, we quickly make up. Ideal marriages are for fairy tales. Our marriage is a REAL marriage and one that God has blessed me with. Our marriage is continuing to grow and we are continuing to grow closer. I am blessed that Trey loves me this much and has been there every step of the way. He believes in me even when I do not believe in myself. When he doesn't have the words, he shows me how music can do the talking. He even attempted to teach me how to play Poker! Please note I said ATTEMPTED! hahaha
One of my BIGGEST blessings in life is my children. They are just amazing! I look at them at how they have grown from babies to who they are now. I am so blessed that all 3 of them love church so much and they love to sing about Jesus. Now let me get a bit more specific...
Aidan who is 7 1/2 years old is in 1st grade this year. He is finishing the year with ALL A's and 1 B(Math) for the entire year! He is finishing the year with only having to pull a ticket to yellow TWICE in the entire year. He is finishing the year reading on a 2nd grade level of a 2nd grader who has finished 5 months of 2nd grade. I am so blessed to have him. He pushes me to be a better person and is forever asking me questions. I am blessed to have a kid who loves learning this much and sees spending time with me as the best thing in his life. Aidan, along with 2 other boys in his class, was chosen in his 1st grade class to participate in the 1st grade Spelling Bee. There were 21 participants. Aidan WON 3RD PLACE!!!! (my child got some GOOD genes from us for a change haha) I am SOOOO proud of him... and blessed to have him!
My daughter Lillian will be 6 in August and starting kindergarten around her 6th birthday. I am so blessed to have her! Some things I am blessed and thankful for this year with her: she has learned to ride a bike with training wheels. She can count to 10 most of the time. She knows all but 3 of her shapes. She KNOWS HER COLORS!!!! (we worked for years on this) She blesses me every time that she sees me. She sits on my lap and gives me a kiss. She hugs me and I can always hear her voice saying "Mommy?" and then proceeding to tell me something that she wants me to know. She is playing TEEBALL this year and I am proud of her hitting the ball! She is such a blessing!
My son JohnAlex is 4 1/2 years old. (he turns 5 in Oct) This year he will start preschool at the same school with Aidan and Lillian. This year he has learned to count to 10, learned his shapes, can write his name, can hop on 1 foot and LOVES to play Track and Field on XBox 360. He is forever going like an Energizer bunny and just LOVES sports!!! He can really hit the ball at teeball and he has been catching the ball too!!! I am really blessed to have him in my life!
Sometimes, we do not realize the blessings that we have... until we do not have them. I am blessed to have a home to live in that is nice and that has heat and air. I am blessed to have a car for transportation. I am blessed to have the Internet that I can write this on and a computer. I am blessed to have a cellphone as means of communication. I am blessed to have a pillow and bed where I can lay my head at night. I am blessed to have running water. I am blessed that I can walk. There are so many more blessings than I can even think of right now! I have too long forgotten that I have blessings in my life instead of just the negative. So on those days I am down, I can read this and realize how much I DO have!
Monday, February 13, 2012
Rough Week
This past week, I feel as though I have been on an emotional roller coaster... one that has very few high points, but LOTS of dips into the low, one that has tons of loops and upside downs and then finally just throws you off of it. Okay so I know it isn't possible to dip down really low on a roller coaster without going up to a high first. Maybe that was the wrong analogy...
This past week, I have dealt with so much that has come slamming at me. Sometimes I feel that people do and say things JUST to make me upset and see just how far they can push me before I break. SOOOO let me back up just a bit to make more sense...
This past week in counseling, I had a huge realization through my treatment session. I realized that when I was a child, I decided that in order for things not to hurt me, that I had to have complete control. That thought process has taken me through even to my adulthood. I became to realize that I always feel panicked, scared, etc when I am not in control and I do whatever I can to keep that control. Then the counselor brought to my attention that was a vow with Satan that was made that needed to be broken.... that GOD is the one always in control. In order to heal, through that therapy session, I had to surrender my WILL and my CONTROL to GOD and break that vow that was made in order to start following God's will again. I did this in order not to be hurt, but it just got out of control to the point I felt I couldn't function without that control. That has played a HUGE part in the things that have happened, the frustrations that I have, the panic attacks etc. It makes me even MORE panicked when I realize I am not even in control of my own body.
Since then, the past week has been very hard. I thought that surrendering that will to God would have made things easier. It has made it easier to point things out to people about God's will instead of following along or keeping my mouth shut. However, for the first time in a while, I have had multiple panic attacks this week. I have had major trouble sleeping.... I toss and turn and I can't even begin to get tired to fall asleep. I panic if Trey's leg is put over me in sleep. I freaked out about a movie last night and started hyperventilating. I don't know WHAT is wrong with me or WHY this is happening! I have had to remind myself many times this week that I am NOT the one in control and that GOD is in control.
I have not been able to write in my journal. I think fear is playing a huge part in that. I am afraid that if I write in the journal, then everything will flood back and that flood will just be too much. I have slacked this week on reading my Bible as well.
On a bit more positive note.... I have gotten some things done that needed desperately to be done! I have been cleaning house for most of this past week. I have done those jobs I don't do all of the time such as dusting both high and low. I have went through things and threw away what I did not need anymore. I have begun to sort out clothes to get listed and sold. I really need that space and to just get them somewhere besides the storage space that I need for things that DO fit! I have walked Emma although a few days were FREEZING!!!! I have also helped Aidan with a project for school (writing a poem) which I enjoyed tremendously! I planned a small family Valentine's Day party and treats for the kids and we had a GREAT time!!! There were definetly positive things. I am wondering if this is my new normal. I sure hope not! The goal is to heal, to get better. This is a huge step back....
If anyone has thoughts on this, I would love to hear them!
This past week, I have dealt with so much that has come slamming at me. Sometimes I feel that people do and say things JUST to make me upset and see just how far they can push me before I break. SOOOO let me back up just a bit to make more sense...
This past week in counseling, I had a huge realization through my treatment session. I realized that when I was a child, I decided that in order for things not to hurt me, that I had to have complete control. That thought process has taken me through even to my adulthood. I became to realize that I always feel panicked, scared, etc when I am not in control and I do whatever I can to keep that control. Then the counselor brought to my attention that was a vow with Satan that was made that needed to be broken.... that GOD is the one always in control. In order to heal, through that therapy session, I had to surrender my WILL and my CONTROL to GOD and break that vow that was made in order to start following God's will again. I did this in order not to be hurt, but it just got out of control to the point I felt I couldn't function without that control. That has played a HUGE part in the things that have happened, the frustrations that I have, the panic attacks etc. It makes me even MORE panicked when I realize I am not even in control of my own body.
Since then, the past week has been very hard. I thought that surrendering that will to God would have made things easier. It has made it easier to point things out to people about God's will instead of following along or keeping my mouth shut. However, for the first time in a while, I have had multiple panic attacks this week. I have had major trouble sleeping.... I toss and turn and I can't even begin to get tired to fall asleep. I panic if Trey's leg is put over me in sleep. I freaked out about a movie last night and started hyperventilating. I don't know WHAT is wrong with me or WHY this is happening! I have had to remind myself many times this week that I am NOT the one in control and that GOD is in control.
I have not been able to write in my journal. I think fear is playing a huge part in that. I am afraid that if I write in the journal, then everything will flood back and that flood will just be too much. I have slacked this week on reading my Bible as well.
On a bit more positive note.... I have gotten some things done that needed desperately to be done! I have been cleaning house for most of this past week. I have done those jobs I don't do all of the time such as dusting both high and low. I have went through things and threw away what I did not need anymore. I have begun to sort out clothes to get listed and sold. I really need that space and to just get them somewhere besides the storage space that I need for things that DO fit! I have walked Emma although a few days were FREEZING!!!! I have also helped Aidan with a project for school (writing a poem) which I enjoyed tremendously! I planned a small family Valentine's Day party and treats for the kids and we had a GREAT time!!! There were definetly positive things. I am wondering if this is my new normal. I sure hope not! The goal is to heal, to get better. This is a huge step back....
If anyone has thoughts on this, I would love to hear them!
Monday, January 30, 2012
I am usually all serious on these posts. You are in for a big change in direction with my current blog post!!!
See, I have a black lab/boxer mix named Emma. She just turned 1 year old and she is 50lbs now. When we got her, she was only 3.8-4lbs although the shelter said she was 12 weeks old. The vet obviously disagreed! Over the past months that we have had Emma, we have gotten her crate trained and house broken. We have accomplished going from eating wet food to dry food to taking treats for motivation. She has learned to sit, down, walk on a leash.
Does anyone remember with their kids the terrible 2s, 3s, 4s etc??? WELL, I am DETERMINED to say that 1 year old is the TODDLER YEAR for dogs especially large breed dogs.It seems Emma has unlearned almost everything since she turned 1 for some reason. She has been highly distractable today!!! She got upset with me so she took her paw up to "smack" at me like a CAT!!!! Then she tried to CLIMB on the cabinets and get ON THE STOVE!!!! She has chewed up a shirt today and we had her chewing under control with her TOYS! (which she can play fetch now by the way) She has started wanting to jump up on me more often and "hug" me. She wants to grab anything she knows I have or I am trying to get and run with it just so I will chase her!!!! Today I was telling her "uh uhhh" which is her discipline word. She BARKED AT ME!!!! This dog that NEVER EVER barks!!!! Not at other dogs, not at people, not to get OUT of her crate, not at birds!!!! I swear she was "talking" back to me!!! I pointed to her crate and said "Now" in a stern voice. She laid down and wouldn't budge and barked again. *Sigh* So NOW I am raising ANOTHER toddler!!!!
Don't get me wrong I love her to DEATH!!!! She has been amazing therapy and amazing companionship. We are going to be working on correcting and she is starting Level 1 Obedience classes at Petsmart at the end of February. Let's hope our house is still standing by then or that she hasn't taken up permanent residence in her crate! lol.
So here is an example of Emma here lately....
We are walking along outside and all of the sudden Emma sniffs the air. "Dogs! I see other dogs! Can we can we can we go see the dogs? Please please please?" while trying to get to them.
"Oh there is a bird. I want the bird. Let's go get the bird."
"I am going to CATCH that butterfly." while pawing.
Now she is circling to go to the bathroom. BUT before she goes....
"Oh it's a grasshopper. I think I can hop! Maybe I can catch it? Let's GO get it!"
Finally settling down to go again.
"I see something moving in the road!" ears up and looking.
"Nope can't get that."
FINALLY settles down and goes to the bathroom.
THEN she wants to take a walk up the hill.... the BIG hill at the back of my house.
You know? Life would be a lot easier with a fenced in area in our yard. No chasing kids to make sure they don't get too close to the road. No chasing Emma to keep her from the road. Wow wouldn't life be easier!!!
Hmmmm..... a definite thought to ponder....
See, I have a black lab/boxer mix named Emma. She just turned 1 year old and she is 50lbs now. When we got her, she was only 3.8-4lbs although the shelter said she was 12 weeks old. The vet obviously disagreed! Over the past months that we have had Emma, we have gotten her crate trained and house broken. We have accomplished going from eating wet food to dry food to taking treats for motivation. She has learned to sit, down, walk on a leash.
Does anyone remember with their kids the terrible 2s, 3s, 4s etc??? WELL, I am DETERMINED to say that 1 year old is the TODDLER YEAR for dogs especially large breed dogs.It seems Emma has unlearned almost everything since she turned 1 for some reason. She has been highly distractable today!!! She got upset with me so she took her paw up to "smack" at me like a CAT!!!! Then she tried to CLIMB on the cabinets and get ON THE STOVE!!!! She has chewed up a shirt today and we had her chewing under control with her TOYS! (which she can play fetch now by the way) She has started wanting to jump up on me more often and "hug" me. She wants to grab anything she knows I have or I am trying to get and run with it just so I will chase her!!!! Today I was telling her "uh uhhh" which is her discipline word. She BARKED AT ME!!!! This dog that NEVER EVER barks!!!! Not at other dogs, not at people, not to get OUT of her crate, not at birds!!!! I swear she was "talking" back to me!!! I pointed to her crate and said "Now" in a stern voice. She laid down and wouldn't budge and barked again. *Sigh* So NOW I am raising ANOTHER toddler!!!!
Don't get me wrong I love her to DEATH!!!! She has been amazing therapy and amazing companionship. We are going to be working on correcting and she is starting Level 1 Obedience classes at Petsmart at the end of February. Let's hope our house is still standing by then or that she hasn't taken up permanent residence in her crate! lol.
So here is an example of Emma here lately....
We are walking along outside and all of the sudden Emma sniffs the air. "Dogs! I see other dogs! Can we can we can we go see the dogs? Please please please?" while trying to get to them.
"Oh there is a bird. I want the bird. Let's go get the bird."
"I am going to CATCH that butterfly." while pawing.
Now she is circling to go to the bathroom. BUT before she goes....
"Oh it's a grasshopper. I think I can hop! Maybe I can catch it? Let's GO get it!"
Finally settling down to go again.
"I see something moving in the road!" ears up and looking.
"Nope can't get that."
FINALLY settles down and goes to the bathroom.
THEN she wants to take a walk up the hill.... the BIG hill at the back of my house.
You know? Life would be a lot easier with a fenced in area in our yard. No chasing kids to make sure they don't get too close to the road. No chasing Emma to keep her from the road. Wow wouldn't life be easier!!!
Hmmmm..... a definite thought to ponder....
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Life is like being in Central Park
Life is like a day in Central Park.
Yes I promise you DID read that correctly! By now, you probably think I have lost what little of my mind that I have left. Lol. I promise I have a logic for this. One night, I was lying in my bed TRYING to go to sleep (as usual) thinking philosophical thoughts. My mind roamed to the times that I spent in Central Park. If you have ever actually BEEN to Central Park, you probably understand where I am going with this. If you have NOT and have ONLY seen Central Park in the movies which usually include peaceful scenes by the pond where boats are afloat or peaceful scenes by the old men with Chess or scenes of those rollerblading, scenes of people walking multiple dogs at a time or MOST OFTEN, the scene of the beautiful water fountain in Central Park... you probably REALLY think I have lost it. Follow my logic here:
Central Park is one of the most interesting places you will ever go. If you go with the mind of a tourist and only hit the safest and most popular places, you are truly missing out on a LOT! Sure, Central Park has the areas that are extremely peaceful! There are those areas where you can relax and think there is no other place on Earth as peaceful at that moment. Come with me for a moment to Central Park....
There is the duck pond where the ducks glaze over the beautiful pond. You see the boats that people put on the water. You feel the breeze in your hair. If you are there in early Spring, you feel that breeze with a slight chill on your face and hands. It is SUCh an incredibly peaceful place to sit and just watch and observe. Time ceases to move.
Then there is the beautiful center piece of the water fountain where MANY movie settings have taken place. I love to sit by the fountain and listen to the trickle of water, the chatter of people, and the breeze that is often felt there. Another tremendously peaceful place!
However, if you venture out from the "touristy" places or do not have a map where you are going, you see an entirely different picture. It is EXTREMELY easy to get lost in Central Park. If you not used to being there or you do not have a map, you will be in one place and suddenly, you have NO CLUE where you are! You have no clue how to even get OUT of where you are! That is my first analogy. Life can be going great and be extremely peaceful. Then, all of the sudden, a curveball is thrown and you have absolutely NO CLUE where you are or how to get OUT of where you are at that moment.
My second analogy.... Central Park is somewhere that tourists especially but even NY natives are easily mugged or attacked, especially since it is so big and there are not always people around in every single spot. Life is very much like that. We will be strolling around in the trees thinking how peaceful and beautiful it is in the center of something that never seems to stop moving. Then... bam! You are attacked and robbed of things that are necessary and that are precious to you.
Then, there are the areas where homeless people frequent the benches and beg for handouts. By now, you are probably seeing the analogies without me pointing them out to you. Those homeless people are sad and break your heart. On top of that, if you take just a MOMENT to hear what they have to say, to hear their stories and who they used to be in life, it will break your heart in two pieces. There are those people in real life. Most of us are way too busy to just take the time to STOP and to listen. Often, those people just want to be heard. However, we hustle and bustle and never take that time. Unfortunately, we are missing out on the blessings of life by living in such a fast paced world.
I am sure you can figure out many more analogies to my Central Park philosophy. You will probably never think of Central Park the same way again. Hopefully, you don't think of it the same way again. If you ever find yourself in NYC, visit Central Park. Visit more areas in it besides just the tourist areas. Think of how life gives you twists, turns, flips.
For my last analogy.... even with its bad and even with its twists and turns, if you find yourself lost in Central Park, you never stop trying to get out and find your way. You never stop trying to figure out WHERE you are and WHERE you need to be. You never give up. That is who God made us to be!
Yes I promise you DID read that correctly! By now, you probably think I have lost what little of my mind that I have left. Lol. I promise I have a logic for this. One night, I was lying in my bed TRYING to go to sleep (as usual) thinking philosophical thoughts. My mind roamed to the times that I spent in Central Park. If you have ever actually BEEN to Central Park, you probably understand where I am going with this. If you have NOT and have ONLY seen Central Park in the movies which usually include peaceful scenes by the pond where boats are afloat or peaceful scenes by the old men with Chess or scenes of those rollerblading, scenes of people walking multiple dogs at a time or MOST OFTEN, the scene of the beautiful water fountain in Central Park... you probably REALLY think I have lost it. Follow my logic here:
Central Park is one of the most interesting places you will ever go. If you go with the mind of a tourist and only hit the safest and most popular places, you are truly missing out on a LOT! Sure, Central Park has the areas that are extremely peaceful! There are those areas where you can relax and think there is no other place on Earth as peaceful at that moment. Come with me for a moment to Central Park....
There is the duck pond where the ducks glaze over the beautiful pond. You see the boats that people put on the water. You feel the breeze in your hair. If you are there in early Spring, you feel that breeze with a slight chill on your face and hands. It is SUCh an incredibly peaceful place to sit and just watch and observe. Time ceases to move.
Then there is the beautiful center piece of the water fountain where MANY movie settings have taken place. I love to sit by the fountain and listen to the trickle of water, the chatter of people, and the breeze that is often felt there. Another tremendously peaceful place!
However, if you venture out from the "touristy" places or do not have a map where you are going, you see an entirely different picture. It is EXTREMELY easy to get lost in Central Park. If you not used to being there or you do not have a map, you will be in one place and suddenly, you have NO CLUE where you are! You have no clue how to even get OUT of where you are! That is my first analogy. Life can be going great and be extremely peaceful. Then, all of the sudden, a curveball is thrown and you have absolutely NO CLUE where you are or how to get OUT of where you are at that moment.
My second analogy.... Central Park is somewhere that tourists especially but even NY natives are easily mugged or attacked, especially since it is so big and there are not always people around in every single spot. Life is very much like that. We will be strolling around in the trees thinking how peaceful and beautiful it is in the center of something that never seems to stop moving. Then... bam! You are attacked and robbed of things that are necessary and that are precious to you.
Then, there are the areas where homeless people frequent the benches and beg for handouts. By now, you are probably seeing the analogies without me pointing them out to you. Those homeless people are sad and break your heart. On top of that, if you take just a MOMENT to hear what they have to say, to hear their stories and who they used to be in life, it will break your heart in two pieces. There are those people in real life. Most of us are way too busy to just take the time to STOP and to listen. Often, those people just want to be heard. However, we hustle and bustle and never take that time. Unfortunately, we are missing out on the blessings of life by living in such a fast paced world.
I am sure you can figure out many more analogies to my Central Park philosophy. You will probably never think of Central Park the same way again. Hopefully, you don't think of it the same way again. If you ever find yourself in NYC, visit Central Park. Visit more areas in it besides just the tourist areas. Think of how life gives you twists, turns, flips.
For my last analogy.... even with its bad and even with its twists and turns, if you find yourself lost in Central Park, you never stop trying to get out and find your way. You never stop trying to figure out WHERE you are and WHERE you need to be. You never give up. That is who God made us to be!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Downhill while Trying to Fight an Uphill Battle
I haven't written on here in quite a while. Actually, I felt I had nothing to say, nothing to add and absolutely no inspiration for anyone else. I may have been wrong, I am not sure. Then in addition to that comes the absolute fear and sheer terror of the thought of CPS or anyone else finding this blog and reading it. While I have told the absolute truth and be honest and open, there is a lot of trauma still there in that area. I hope to begin writing on a more regular basis. Here is my update:
In October, we traveled around 11 hours to the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville. I saw a rheumatologist, corneal specialist and neuro opthalmologist. I had a Brain MRI, TONS of bloodwork, urine testing, nerve testing on my eyes, cornea testing etc. This is what was finally determined: the cause of the more immediate issues is from Mixed Connected Tissue Disease (MCTD) or also called Overlap Connective Tissue Disease. It is a mixture, from my understanding, of systemic lupus, scleroderma and polymysitosis. I was also told that it had been present for so long yet untreated that fibromayalgia also popped up. Then came another kicker. The hard contact lenses I thought I was going to get for my left eye was just not a possibility. The cornea specialist said I had to have a corneal transplant in my left eye and I will eventually have to have one in the right eye. *sight* I started Imuran for the MCTD in addition to my other meds. I also had to start Omega 3 Fish Oil and Vitamin D3 both in very high doses. I was in bed for around a week following that Jacksonville appointment. We drove and it was very very rough!
Following that appointment, things continued to go downhill. I have developed multiple keloids around the BAHA Implant site. While I still wear the implant, my head often hurts. The "cushion" around my skull is much less now and then with the keloids there, it pushes right on my skull. I have continued going to Primary Care every single month and still wondering why I am not losing the weight I gained suddenly. Well, by December, I had not had a period for around 2 to 3 months. I called the rheumatologist and he told me to get to the gynecologist immediately. Then, there came the new piece of bad news. I had a pelvic ultrasound and a LOT of bloodwork and urine done that day. My right ovary has a huge cyst surrounded by small cysts. My left ovary is filled with small cysts. The gynecologist felt that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The option was discussed which for those of you that have this know there are just not many.
1. Hormone injections which would make my migraines horrible
2. Birth control pills that are hormonal which again would cause my migraines to get much worse
3. Metformin and diet change which makes me sick at my stomach
With those choices, I chose number 3 knowing from past experiences what would be my reaction to that medication. I have finally had 1 period which is a good thing. The flip side is that the medication has affected my stomach even more than it was before the med. I have to go to the bathroom within 20 minutes of eating and continue to go for the next hour. I think I have lost some weight on it, but I will not know for sure until Wednesday's appointment.
Then came trying to find local care instead of going back to Jacksonville. I FINALLY found a rheumatologist in Johnson City willing to see me with this diagnosis. However, they first denied me as a patient saying they do not treat fibro. What?!?! That is not my primary diagnosis and not what I need a rheumy for. I called back and asked them to actually REVIEW the records this time especially Mayo Clinic records. I was then approved, but I had to call to even get my appointment date and find out that I was approved. This all makes me extremely nervous about this doctor esp since he could not see a diagnosis in the records that has been there for every single doctor's visit since Oct 2011.
How has my faith been during all of this? How have I been mentally? Two words: NOT GOOD! In all honesty, I stopped my Bible study. I quit communicating what I was feeling with much of anyone especially with my husband. I stopped caring about pretty much anything and I was incredibly tired of everything. Then, a change happened. In December, I got in with a wonderful counselor who for the moment I will just call B. (Name/initial changed) I have been going consistently since then and the change has been amazing. My faith has began to come back. The marriage counseling has improved our marriage although many times I still feel as though I am on a roller coaster ride.
Is it easy now? NO!!!! However, there is a support system available for most of the time. Counseling has given me someone to draw out my feelings, my emotions etc. For those of you that do not know, there has been some very intense trauma in my past. For a long time, I lied to those I loved about things to avoid facing the truth and facing my true emotions. I lost one of my very best friends in all of this and I made her hate me. I hit rock bottom. I had not faced any of my past, but then it all came rushing in and overloaded me. On top of this, a new trauma occured regarding our children and it continues to occur. I have now taken a huge step of faith forward in healing. I am now facing things I don't want to face and trying to talk about things I Really don't want to talk about. I am accepting the worsening of it all to get to the end goal of healing. I start a new therapy treatment on Wed that I am extremely nervous about. I have began journaling almost everyday.
Then, a huge breakthrough in my marriage occured. My husband sat across from me yesterday morning and held my hands and prayed out loud... earnestly, truthfully and with tears streaming. The emotions finally came out and he finally has been able to HELP me start healing.
I still daily struggle with my health. I did have my corneal transplant, but the end result is not as good as I had hoped that it would be. I try to have faith, but it is often hard. It is so hard to see what God's plans are right now. I have to remember daily that God has plans for hope and a future and that He sees the end result and the good of our family, even when we have no clue what is going to happen. The uncertainty plagues our family and leaves me in an emotional turmoil daily.
I know this is a long update and I promise to do better with updating!
In October, we traveled around 11 hours to the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville. I saw a rheumatologist, corneal specialist and neuro opthalmologist. I had a Brain MRI, TONS of bloodwork, urine testing, nerve testing on my eyes, cornea testing etc. This is what was finally determined: the cause of the more immediate issues is from Mixed Connected Tissue Disease (MCTD) or also called Overlap Connective Tissue Disease. It is a mixture, from my understanding, of systemic lupus, scleroderma and polymysitosis. I was also told that it had been present for so long yet untreated that fibromayalgia also popped up. Then came another kicker. The hard contact lenses I thought I was going to get for my left eye was just not a possibility. The cornea specialist said I had to have a corneal transplant in my left eye and I will eventually have to have one in the right eye. *sight* I started Imuran for the MCTD in addition to my other meds. I also had to start Omega 3 Fish Oil and Vitamin D3 both in very high doses. I was in bed for around a week following that Jacksonville appointment. We drove and it was very very rough!
Following that appointment, things continued to go downhill. I have developed multiple keloids around the BAHA Implant site. While I still wear the implant, my head often hurts. The "cushion" around my skull is much less now and then with the keloids there, it pushes right on my skull. I have continued going to Primary Care every single month and still wondering why I am not losing the weight I gained suddenly. Well, by December, I had not had a period for around 2 to 3 months. I called the rheumatologist and he told me to get to the gynecologist immediately. Then, there came the new piece of bad news. I had a pelvic ultrasound and a LOT of bloodwork and urine done that day. My right ovary has a huge cyst surrounded by small cysts. My left ovary is filled with small cysts. The gynecologist felt that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The option was discussed which for those of you that have this know there are just not many.
1. Hormone injections which would make my migraines horrible
2. Birth control pills that are hormonal which again would cause my migraines to get much worse
3. Metformin and diet change which makes me sick at my stomach
With those choices, I chose number 3 knowing from past experiences what would be my reaction to that medication. I have finally had 1 period which is a good thing. The flip side is that the medication has affected my stomach even more than it was before the med. I have to go to the bathroom within 20 minutes of eating and continue to go for the next hour. I think I have lost some weight on it, but I will not know for sure until Wednesday's appointment.
Then came trying to find local care instead of going back to Jacksonville. I FINALLY found a rheumatologist in Johnson City willing to see me with this diagnosis. However, they first denied me as a patient saying they do not treat fibro. What?!?! That is not my primary diagnosis and not what I need a rheumy for. I called back and asked them to actually REVIEW the records this time especially Mayo Clinic records. I was then approved, but I had to call to even get my appointment date and find out that I was approved. This all makes me extremely nervous about this doctor esp since he could not see a diagnosis in the records that has been there for every single doctor's visit since Oct 2011.
How has my faith been during all of this? How have I been mentally? Two words: NOT GOOD! In all honesty, I stopped my Bible study. I quit communicating what I was feeling with much of anyone especially with my husband. I stopped caring about pretty much anything and I was incredibly tired of everything. Then, a change happened. In December, I got in with a wonderful counselor who for the moment I will just call B. (Name/initial changed) I have been going consistently since then and the change has been amazing. My faith has began to come back. The marriage counseling has improved our marriage although many times I still feel as though I am on a roller coaster ride.
Is it easy now? NO!!!! However, there is a support system available for most of the time. Counseling has given me someone to draw out my feelings, my emotions etc. For those of you that do not know, there has been some very intense trauma in my past. For a long time, I lied to those I loved about things to avoid facing the truth and facing my true emotions. I lost one of my very best friends in all of this and I made her hate me. I hit rock bottom. I had not faced any of my past, but then it all came rushing in and overloaded me. On top of this, a new trauma occured regarding our children and it continues to occur. I have now taken a huge step of faith forward in healing. I am now facing things I don't want to face and trying to talk about things I Really don't want to talk about. I am accepting the worsening of it all to get to the end goal of healing. I start a new therapy treatment on Wed that I am extremely nervous about. I have began journaling almost everyday.
Then, a huge breakthrough in my marriage occured. My husband sat across from me yesterday morning and held my hands and prayed out loud... earnestly, truthfully and with tears streaming. The emotions finally came out and he finally has been able to HELP me start healing.
I still daily struggle with my health. I did have my corneal transplant, but the end result is not as good as I had hoped that it would be. I try to have faith, but it is often hard. It is so hard to see what God's plans are right now. I have to remember daily that God has plans for hope and a future and that He sees the end result and the good of our family, even when we have no clue what is going to happen. The uncertainty plagues our family and leaves me in an emotional turmoil daily.
I know this is a long update and I promise to do better with updating!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
A Better Day
Today has definetly been a better day for me. I am still struggling though.... physically, emotionally, spiritually. I think I have fallen into depression and I just don't know the way out anymore. I stopped all of the sudden in the midst of my "Breaking Free" study that I was actually getting so much out of. No matter how many times I think "I need to go back to this," I just can't seem to pick it up again. It has been 2 weeks since I have been to counseling because life has been soooo crazy. I keep thinking, "God must have a Plan with this!" However, I have absolutely no clue what it is!!! I hurt so bad emotionally that it causes pain physically. When I have a bad day with stress and emotions, my health is a lot worse. Others say yes that makes sense. However, it doesn't really help me. Yes it may make sense but what do I DO!?!?!?
I go to get hard contacts tomorrow. I really feel that if I can learn to drive again and get even a small bit of my independence back, then things may improve overall! I am consumed by fear. My whole life is consumed by fear and everything I think and do evolves around it. I don't know how to portray what I am thinking or feeling to the people who I think care about me. It is so hard for me to go to someone and say I need help. I don't know what to do.
Right now, it is even hard to go to God and say I need you. I don't know why! I had become so close to God.... in prayer every single day, journal entries ending up as prayers, learning the Bible, learning Bible verses.... yet I have lost it somewhere.
The only thing I have left right now is a small shred of hope. Hope that my relationship with God will return. Hope that I can see my kids more. Hope that the kids WILL come home. Hope..... Hope that my health will improve. Hope that my marriage will improve. Hope that my life will get better. Hope for a Better Day.
I go to get hard contacts tomorrow. I really feel that if I can learn to drive again and get even a small bit of my independence back, then things may improve overall! I am consumed by fear. My whole life is consumed by fear and everything I think and do evolves around it. I don't know how to portray what I am thinking or feeling to the people who I think care about me. It is so hard for me to go to someone and say I need help. I don't know what to do.
Right now, it is even hard to go to God and say I need you. I don't know why! I had become so close to God.... in prayer every single day, journal entries ending up as prayers, learning the Bible, learning Bible verses.... yet I have lost it somewhere.
The only thing I have left right now is a small shred of hope. Hope that my relationship with God will return. Hope that I can see my kids more. Hope that the kids WILL come home. Hope..... Hope that my health will improve. Hope that my marriage will improve. Hope that my life will get better. Hope for a Better Day.
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